'Tis the season...

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I've been crying a lot lately - it's getting tiring. We're into the second holiday without Dad, and this is really starting to sink in. After a conversation with my sister, I think I can put words to some of my emotions. Now it's all coming to an end - I'm allowing myself to feel the pain of losing both my parents and it hurts. But it's not just the loss of my dad, but the money issues that were discovered afterward. It _still_ pisses me off Dad lent my brother money out of the HELoC, and I paid it back out of the money from the accounts/life insurance/estate sale. Add to that issue the finding my brother got money for Christmas [the year mom died], and I got nothing but debt from a trip back to NE because Dad said he'd like to see us for the holiday. It's hurtful beyond belief.

I spent a couple years listening to my mom telling me they were broke, and I would send them gift cards for restaurants. I knew she liked to eat out, and I wanted her to be able to do it still. I listened to her tell me she was broke - senior citizen on a fixed income who couldn't afford extras.  I wanted to pay her back for what they'd done for me all those years. To see the finances when they'd passed just added fuel to my almost out of control rage and sorrow.

The estate is winding down. And it's now all sinking in. They're gone, and I'm an orphan.

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