Yes, I'm mentally ill
I was diagnosed with BiPolar II almost 20 years ago. My previous diagnosis was dysthymia, a persistent depressive disorder or low mood that can be years in the making. The diagnosis was upgraded to BiPolar II after three unsuccessful suicide attempts.
My therapist had me start seeing a psychiatrist shortly after my failed attempts. The MD was able to prescribe the medication I so obviously needed, but I had mixed feelings about going the medication route. Once you start down that road, it's pretty impossible to get off the highway. But it was so hard to get through the day when I could cycle between panic, anxiety, anger and the depths of despair in a matter of minutes. I hated myself, and others hated being around me. With that in mind, she and I started trying to find the pharmacologic cocktail to help me get better and began to work on cognitive therapy exercises to help me when the medication did not. The medication helped my symptoms greatly, but it did not stop the breakthrough anxiety or anger attacks.
Having to deal with my place of employment was another matter. Being the "work no matter what" nation we've become when I asked my manager if I could take some time off I was told it would not be possible. I struggled through this time. I truly felt if I took time off I would be fired. So I got up each morning, headed to work, and dealt with others as best I could. I was failing, but there was no relief. Either work and turn in crap or stay home and be fired. In my mind, there was no option.
I wanted to be better so I had to keep moving forward. I used the exercises and techniques I learned, and those continue to help to this day. It's what they're for. No, they're not easy; no sometimes it takes more effort than I'd like, but they DO work if you follow the script.
So, what's the purpose of this entry? Let me tell you how fucking pissed off I get when people tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I can't talk about my panic or anxiety attacks without being told I don't have it nearly as bad as "insert the name of their friend". I don't hide my s ymptoms well - I have problems all the time but I use the techniques my therapist taught me, and I get through the attack, one second at a time.
The movie 28 Days had a line "It works if you work it. It's worth it!" and that sums up my journey.
It works if you work it.
My therapist had me start seeing a psychiatrist shortly after my failed attempts. The MD was able to prescribe the medication I so obviously needed, but I had mixed feelings about going the medication route. Once you start down that road, it's pretty impossible to get off the highway. But it was so hard to get through the day when I could cycle between panic, anxiety, anger and the depths of despair in a matter of minutes. I hated myself, and others hated being around me. With that in mind, she and I started trying to find the pharmacologic cocktail to help me get better and began to work on cognitive therapy exercises to help me when the medication did not. The medication helped my symptoms greatly, but it did not stop the breakthrough anxiety or anger attacks.
Having to deal with my place of employment was another matter. Being the "work no matter what" nation we've become when I asked my manager if I could take some time off I was told it would not be possible. I struggled through this time. I truly felt if I took time off I would be fired. So I got up each morning, headed to work, and dealt with others as best I could. I was failing, but there was no relief. Either work and turn in crap or stay home and be fired. In my mind, there was no option.
I wanted to be better so I had to keep moving forward. I used the exercises and techniques I learned, and those continue to help to this day. It's what they're for. No, they're not easy; no sometimes it takes more effort than I'd like, but they DO work if you follow the script.
So, what's the purpose of this entry? Let me tell you how fucking pissed off I get when people tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I can't talk about my panic or anxiety attacks without being told I don't have it nearly as bad as "insert the name of their friend"
The movie 28 Days had a line "It works if you work it. It's worth it!" and that sums up my journey.
It works if you work it.
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